.. The Biggest Jerk I Ever Loved ..

Dear Fellow Dreamers,

It is actually pretty damn hard to put this part of my story into words, all bittersweet memories running back to my head in haste, but I got to share it anyway, so YOU--who have been hurt so bad by your loved ones-- know that no matter how painful & destroyed your heart is feeling at the moment, this is definitely not the end of your life :)

Remember about the computer guy that I dated? Yeah the one who cheated on me with his co-worker. Somehow we managed to get back together. But as you know, having a relationship with someone who had betrayed you, feels almost the same like you're eating an "expired-food", your stomach could get full, but surely it tastes really bad in your mouth. I lost my trust & flame in him. And that's the moment when a new guy came in to my life, who brought such a promising bliss to me. His name is D.M. We (foolishly) knew each other from "friendster", I don't even remember how long I've been friend with him on that site, suddenly we just decided to see each other in person, and it was so predictable, from an intense communication led to having a bigger feeling to each other and we fell in love.. well I'm not sure if "WE" is the right word, at least at that time I was falling in love with him. I became a very different person. I started to tell -from little to big- lies to my boyfriend, I secretly stole a lil time and sneaked behind my boyfriend's back to meet D.M. Strangely it felt so excitedly 'fun' to cheat on my boyfriend, really.. I never meant to did it as a revenge for what he's done to me before , it just happened, suddenly I was in his spot, playing the role as the cheater, the betrayer. 

No matter how tricky you are hiding stinky trash, people could smell it anyway. My boyfriend finally found out that I was cheating on him, We had into big fights, but I wasn't worry, since I didn't have to suffer with the loneliness, with the break-up, with the heartache, and all that stuffs. I already had someone waiting in line to be my next boyfriend --which was a veeeeeerrrryyy baaaaaddd decision that I made--

I officially dated D.M for 2 years, this time I never had big arguments nor fights, everything went pretty smooth. He's loving, very funny, really charming when he played guitar for me, very smart, a very hard-worker, he knew few things about almost everything & that what makes him so easy going & easy to communicate with. I was so wieldy to him, I trusted every single sweet word he said to me. You should know, when something went too smooth, that's a hint for you, something can not be too perfect, something must be happening without your notice. 

I was not sensitive at that moment, I didn't feel suspicious at all when he rarely took me to his house to hang out with his family, when he barely introduced me to his closest friends, when he didn't take me to special events such as his brother's wedding, when he said he had a trip from work right on the night he had his birthday, etc. Was I innocently stupid?! YES I WAS  

One night, D.M was unreachable, his cell phone went off, nobody knew where he was, I kept dialing his number until someone on the other line picked it up, and it was a woman's voice. That night I found out that D.M has been cheating on me --since only God knows exactly when-- and he's been living with that woman --who was also his co-worker-- under one roof for the last 9 months, and that woman was carrying his child in her belly, and that woman once had an abortion because of him too, and that woman wasn't the only girl he's been sleeping with, you know what.. it felt like multiple slaps in the face with a chair!!!  I was only 19 at that time, I felt like I really don't deserve to experience such horrible things. I couldn't help but cry. Since that phone call, I had the chance to talk to him over the phone 1 time, what should I expect? an apology? even a million sorries wouldn't make me feel any better, but he didn't say he's sorry anyway, he just said 1 sentence from his sweet lips that stabbed right through my shattered-heart "with or without the baby, I'm gonna marry her"   didn't he think that it's already enough to hurt me by cheating on me? why the hell he need to kill me emotionally too?! I swore I would never want to hear anything from him ever again, I would leave no traces, I lost in his game of love so I took a billion steps away from his life, I was never whole again. I didn't remember how many countless nights I had spent crying, I couldn't even finish my food because I lost my appetite, couldn't focus in classes, couldn't even have relieved laughs. My life was falling apart. If I didn't have a family who loves me very very much & bestfriends like The Apems who care for me very very much, I wouldn't be able to stand up and got out from my hole-of-sorrow.

I kept asking myself why, why did it have to happen to me? why did I have to fall for him & believed in him? why he dated me for the whole 2 years while he also had various relationships with countless girls at the same time..? I mean, COME ON!! why didn't he just left me at the first place? why did he have to make me feel not precious, ugly & never be good enough for him by cheating on me with women who were exact opposite of me?! yup.. slim tall white women who already had settled job, COME ON!! like I said, I was just 19, I was still in college & jobless & didn't have enough money to spoil myself in beauty salon.. geez, it was never fair to compare me with those women. I couldn't accept the way he fooled me, the way he made me believe that he loved me only.. It's the biggest lie, he definitely deserved to get an award for 'best acting'.. 

It took a whole year for me to finally get back on my feet, to feel ready to face the world again, to finally succeed convincing my self that I'm going to be just fine, that I could finally leave my past and move on. Just when I thought this was the saddest part of my life, I was wrong, something twice worse was about to happen to me in year 2009..


.. to be continued

xoxo