.. The Biggest Jerk I Ever Loved ..

Dear Fellow Dreamers,

It is actually pretty damn hard to put this part of my story into words, all bittersweet memories running back to my head in haste, but I got to share it anyway, so YOU--who have been hurt so bad by your loved ones-- know that no matter how painful & destroyed your heart is feeling at the moment, this is definitely not the end of your life :)

Remember about the computer guy that I dated? Yeah the one who cheated on me with his co-worker. Somehow we managed to get back together. But as you know, having a relationship with someone who had betrayed you, feels almost the same like you're eating an "expired-food", your stomach could get full, but surely it tastes really bad in your mouth. I lost my trust & flame in him. And that's the moment when a new guy came in to my life, who brought such a promising bliss to me. His name is D.M. We (foolishly) knew each other from "friendster", I don't even remember how long I've been friend with him on that site, suddenly we just decided to see each other in person, and it was so predictable, from an intense communication led to having a bigger feeling to each other and we fell in love.. well I'm not sure if "WE" is the right word, at least at that time I was falling in love with him. I became a very different person. I started to tell -from little to big- lies to my boyfriend, I secretly stole a lil time and sneaked behind my boyfriend's back to meet D.M. Strangely it felt so excitedly 'fun' to cheat on my boyfriend, really.. I never meant to did it as a revenge for what he's done to me before , it just happened, suddenly I was in his spot, playing the role as the cheater, the betrayer. 

No matter how tricky you are hiding stinky trash, people could smell it anyway. My boyfriend finally found out that I was cheating on him, We had into big fights, but I wasn't worry, since I didn't have to suffer with the loneliness, with the break-up, with the heartache, and all that stuffs. I already had someone waiting in line to be my next boyfriend --which was a veeeeeerrrryyy baaaaaddd decision that I made--

I officially dated D.M for 2 years, this time I never had big arguments nor fights, everything went pretty smooth. He's loving, very funny, really charming when he played guitar for me, very smart, a very hard-worker, he knew few things about almost everything & that what makes him so easy going & easy to communicate with. I was so wieldy to him, I trusted every single sweet word he said to me. You should know, when something went too smooth, that's a hint for you, something can not be too perfect, something must be happening without your notice. 

I was not sensitive at that moment, I didn't feel suspicious at all when he rarely took me to his house to hang out with his family, when he barely introduced me to his closest friends, when he didn't take me to special events such as his brother's wedding, when he said he had a trip from work right on the night he had his birthday, etc. Was I innocently stupid?! YES I WAS  

One night, D.M was unreachable, his cell phone went off, nobody knew where he was, I kept dialing his number until someone on the other line picked it up, and it was a woman's voice. That night I found out that D.M has been cheating on me --since only God knows exactly when-- and he's been living with that woman --who was also his co-worker-- under one roof for the last 9 months, and that woman was carrying his child in her belly, and that woman once had an abortion because of him too, and that woman wasn't the only girl he's been sleeping with, you know what.. it felt like multiple slaps in the face with a chair!!!  I was only 19 at that time, I felt like I really don't deserve to experience such horrible things. I couldn't help but cry. Since that phone call, I had the chance to talk to him over the phone 1 time, what should I expect? an apology? even a million sorries wouldn't make me feel any better, but he didn't say he's sorry anyway, he just said 1 sentence from his sweet lips that stabbed right through my shattered-heart "with or without the baby, I'm gonna marry her"   didn't he think that it's already enough to hurt me by cheating on me? why the hell he need to kill me emotionally too?! I swore I would never want to hear anything from him ever again, I would leave no traces, I lost in his game of love so I took a billion steps away from his life, I was never whole again. I didn't remember how many countless nights I had spent crying, I couldn't even finish my food because I lost my appetite, couldn't focus in classes, couldn't even have relieved laughs. My life was falling apart. If I didn't have a family who loves me very very much & bestfriends like The Apems who care for me very very much, I wouldn't be able to stand up and got out from my hole-of-sorrow.

I kept asking myself why, why did it have to happen to me? why did I have to fall for him & believed in him? why he dated me for the whole 2 years while he also had various relationships with countless girls at the same time..? I mean, COME ON!! why didn't he just left me at the first place? why did he have to make me feel not precious, ugly & never be good enough for him by cheating on me with women who were exact opposite of me?! yup.. slim tall white women who already had settled job, COME ON!! like I said, I was just 19, I was still in college & jobless & didn't have enough money to spoil myself in beauty salon.. geez, it was never fair to compare me with those women. I couldn't accept the way he fooled me, the way he made me believe that he loved me only.. It's the biggest lie, he definitely deserved to get an award for 'best acting'.. 

It took a whole year for me to finally get back on my feet, to feel ready to face the world again, to finally succeed convincing my self that I'm going to be just fine, that I could finally leave my past and move on. Just when I thought this was the saddest part of my life, I was wrong, something twice worse was about to happen to me in year 2009..


.. to be continued

xoxo

1st Love = 1st Heartbreak

No. This trick won't work. How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

- Albert Einstein -

"First love never dies" that's what most people said, well in my case, first love did DIE and it rests in peace. Well let me lead you to where it all began...

1st grade on senior high school, I was 15 and I just lost my beloved dad. The Almighty took him away from me, and it brought the biggest impact in my family. Mom stressed down for years, my big brother lived in another city 'til he finished his college, and me.. I was having trouble playing a double life.. I was forced to be a tough daughter who never showed my pain of losing my dad.. so that I could consoled and comforted  my emaciated 'dying' mother.. I never really had the time to grieve. I really didn't want my mom to see me breakdown. So I did my best to held my head up high and pull the nerves in my face to form a smile.. but on the inside, I was dying too.

Then this guy named "L.B" came to me, offering a lil attention that I really need at that time. We started talking via email on my senior high school's mailing list, the conversation grew more and more interesting (I remember our first topic was about capoeira). Then we decided to meet for real. He was an alumni of my school, 5 years older than me. He was tall, broad-shouldered and white (ow gosh.. apparently I always fall for white guys LOL) and he's chubby too, just like me ^_^

To had him in my life was like a miracle.. like he gave me a helping hand to push me further from my sadness.

We couldn't hide the fact that we're interested into each other, so after a few dates, he asked me to be his girlfriend, it was on 16th March 2003, and I said YES. He was working as a receptionist in an apartment and his side job was a computer instructor at my school (in case if you're wondering... yes I always have best scores on computer subject haha). We really had good times together at the beginning. What so great about him was.. he taught me a lot about computers, softwares, gadgets, internet..etc.. which is very good for me because I never get nervous on handling computers, I could fix some problems with computers, I could install some softwares by myself, and I never feel afraid to plug in or plug out computer's cables.. (you know.. some girls really don't know how to use computer beside chatting and facebook-ing and sorry to say.. some of them don't even know how to make email account or website).. well I'm not a computer geek, and not an expert too but at least I know the basic, and I thank him for teaching me this stuff.

He's a family guy too, it was really nice of him to introduced me to his family. I love his family, they were super nice, I hung out with his mom, sisters and cute niece pretty often. He made me feel welcome in his family. 

But of course nobody's perfect. He's not a romantic type who showered me with sugarcoated words.. he never held my hands when we walk together, yet he still gave me cute presents such as : flowers, a silver necklace & earrings, also a huge pig doll ^_^ and he introduced me to his bestfriends too, it made me feel like he's proud having me as his girl. 

He was my first kiss too, I was 16 at that time, and really had no idea how to kiss -LOL-, but he taught me well on this too. After that, I always laughed seeing my lips on the mirror. It was a weird mixing feeling I had : fun, passionate, sweet, don't-know-what-to-do-next kinda feeling ^_^ 

I thought everything went well. We dated for 2 years until I found out that he's been cheating on me with he's colleague from the apartment. We had a huge fight and took a break for 2 days and got back together again, I forgave him, since he promised me to not ever do that again. But you know.. getting back together with someone who betrayed your trust was like eating an expired food.. it tasted sucks! I became more and more suspicious, a lil over protective, always misgiving to what he did, where he was at and with whom he was.. until I found it AGAIN that yes he was still with her, he couldn't choose, he said he didn't want to break up with me but he couldn't leave her too because she's having a cervical cancer and he felt like he's responsible to take a good care of her and protect her (oh crap..!! what kind of reason was that??!!! should I be 'dying' or having a severe disease so I could beg him to never leave me too?! geez..).

He was my first love, the first man I ever loved truthfully. He's also the first man who broke my fragile heart. I was so down when I knew he shared his love with other woman (who's much older than me, more settled, slimmer, whiter and wiser). I remember when I cried on the floor of my living room, begging him to stay and choose me. My heart felt 10 times worse the pain than I felt when my puppy love moved to another city & left me (never knew that it could go even worse on the next guy)

But then.. I gave him some times to think and he chose me over her.. and I stupidly gave him another chance. Until he found out I was cheating (haha..) yeah.. it's not for a revenge.. it just happened. I lost the fire with him and found a new flame in another guy.. which leaded me to another big mistake I've done on the next chapter of my life.

Years have gone by.. after a terrible broke up with L.B, because I chose the new guy over him, we lost contacts. And somehow we started to communicate again through facebook on 2008 until today, but of course we both grown so much now and we moved on. He's someone's husband now, he's a dad too and so glad to know that he married a good woman (one of his bestfriend whom I also knew..) not that b***h from the apartment -LOL-. Glad to have the chance to talk with him again with clear minds and forgave each other for what happened in the past. He was my first love. And my love to him died peacefully a long time ago. But we finally manage to be good to each other. Should I call him "friend"?! I don't know.. For sure.. he is someone from my past.

xoxo

My Puppy Love

And they call it "puppy love"

Oh I guess they'll never know

How a young heart really feels

And why I love her so

I had my very 1st puppy love when I was 7 years old, yeah back in elementary school era, where boys really looked cute wearing tight trunks (LOL).

M.H & Y.J 1st day at school

First day at school, I noticed a really cute boy named "M.H". He was taller than me and definitely thinner. He has light skin (in fact he's the whitest boy at my class ^_^) and he has curly brown hair. He looked different than any other boy at my class, we even started  to call him "BULE" (Bule is a "name" that we use to call a western foreigner). Lucky me, I sat next to him on the very back of the class (haha). I don't know if he even remember this, but I do. He taught me to play imaginary race car during class ^_^

Until this very moment, I still remember his exciting face's expression when he was imitating the sound of a race car. 

We spent 6 years together at elementary school, I like him from the very 1st day and I have no idea when exactly he started to feel the same. Back at that time, love is a much simpler feeling : all I know was.. I was really happy to go to school to see him, to watched him play with other boys, to just sat next to him and heard his jokes, to played rounders or baseball with him during sport class (oh yeah.. I always wanted to be on his team.. and passed the ball only to him haha silly me).

The more we grew, the less we talked to each other. We didn't joke around like we used to when we were at 1st grade. The 'shy' feeling started to take control, but it didn't change the fact that I liked him a lot. Ahh.. I remember one time when we were on our way home from school, he shook my hand, our friends watched that moment and they stupidly cheered for us. My cheeks turned REDS..!!! At home I smiled for the next 24 hours, remembering that hand-shaking-without-talking-moment LOL.

M.H & Y.J : 6th grade

On 6th grade, we started to have the guts to talk to each other via home telephone, but of course at school we kept our mouth shut as always. We talked almost everyday on the phone after school, and after 6 years he finally said it to me that he liked me. So we're officially boyfriend and girlfriend (haha finally...). But we almost graduate from elementary school at that time, and I was really sad when he told me, his family would move to another city and he couldn't enter the same junior high school with me. It was my 1st cry over boys (haha never knew that this would happen a lot on my next chapters of life). We never actually said "goodbye" but we went seperately. 

Once in a while, he wrote me some letters and called me on the phone. He once surprisingly visited me, when I had a drama performance at junior high school. I was really happy to see him again, he walked me home, not much saying a word, but he gave me a very sweet letter, telling me how much he missed me since the last time he saw me.

M.H & Y.J become friends

Time goes by, I have no idea what actually happened but we're kinda lost contacts for few years, and next thing I knew.. we were already in senior high school and became someone else's lover. We started to talk on the phone again, when he knew that my dad passed away.  But this time we talked in a much wiser way ^_^.

Since then we keep communicating in a good way, and once in a while we held a gathering with our other elementary school classmates. It's really fun to hang out with him again, we changed a lot but I can still feel the 'shy' feeling somehow, maybe it's because we barely talk to each other face to face for the past years. But yeah we're working on it.. and we become friends.. very good friends.. ^_^

I still see M.H as a sweet innocent boy who gave me funny and sweet memories back in elementary school. And I really thank him for that, because we both can laugh about the silliest things we've done on our childhood. I thank him for the friendship we have now, though we still live in different cities, and I always wish and pray him the best in his carier & love (^_^)v

xoxo

ps : M.H ... you were my puppy love 

 

a passage of an obsolete story

Last night was not the first time, I heard someone laughing on my frankness.

Last night was not the first time, I saw someone closing one eye, covering one ear and a whole head, while my sooth was being pledged.

Last night was not the first time, for 'sincerity' losing its meaning.

Last night was not the first time, I felt sick seeing my heart breaks.. shapeless.

Last night was not the first time, I crawled to pick up pieces of my heart one by one and convince myself in every single piece I collect that I'm going to be just fine.

Last night was not the first time, I'm fed up of seeing my feelings, my love & my sincerity effetely hanging on his one finger.

Last night was not the first time, I wanted to scream and shout so damn loud.. until my nerves and pulse break ..!! 

Till all my blood --that does not contain any sanctity-- flow freely,

so he knows.. this is exactly how it feels.. 

BUT

Last night was the first time, I did not wail.

Last night was the first time, I did not feel a thing. I was too weary, he made me close to numb.

Last night was the first time, splinters of my heart said out loud "DROWN ME ALIVE OR I'LL BURN YOU TO DEATH..!!!"

Last night was the first time, I realized, how stubborn and haughty my stupid fragile heart was, as it whispered softly .. "I still love him so much with every broken pieces of me" ..  

11th of July, 2005

..his bloody sweet words..

40 minutes before lunch break...

*still have a bunch of works that need to be done.. in the meantime.. at the little corner of my brain.. he lives.. he's spinning round .. continuously playing back the story of me and him*

"If only I had an electra glide motorbike, I'll go right away to where you are now, I'll lend you my jacket so your back won't get cold and you can sleep soundly"

"Have you ever had an affair? Or do you always treat people this way? because.. frankly speaking, you make me feel flattered"

"I'm tired of hearing and seeing you crying because of him, you still couldn't take a clear decision, now tell me, do you actually want to be my girlfriend or not?"

"Sorry for I've just kissed your forehead"

"I have a feeling for you and it's huge!! And after we met.. it's getting bigger and bigger.. Now can you responsible for it?"

 

"There's nothing change, right?"

"My heart tore into pieces and left unhealed"

"You're physically ugly, but the thought of marrying you ever cross my mind, I open my heart, I empty my heart, I let you live in it, only you .. and that's a hell of a price, Yoshy!!!"

"I hate you.. I really hate you"

"I don't love you anymore"

"I was fooled by your soft and gentle voice, your wistful eyes.. Now I don't know the difference anymore.. whether you're telling me the truth or lie"

"I want to have you.. I don't know why.. but I still love you.. I really do"

"I love you with all your past"

"I want to have a different relationship now.. would you be my fiancee?"

"I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you, redeem all my stupid faults to you and would make you as the happiest wife on earth"

*and all of the rest million words he ever said to me with his innocent look and deceiving eyes.. keep repeating under my consciousness inside my silly brain.. it really is funny how he brilliantly manage to make me feel like I really am the only one for him.. & how he assures me that every word he said are believable.. the more I think about it, the more I realize how stupid I was for having faith in him.. when I'm not the only girl who fell for those words and believed in it. Talk really is cheap for him, huh? I guess I'm done buying those kind of bullcraps now. I got to remember that the sweetest lips tell the most painful lies"

xoxo

I loathe 'the mornings'

"I had to leave" he said goodbye..

smiled with one-eye winked mischievously at me..

For the first time I felt hatred.. 

loathe on everything surrounds me.

Including the paper boy, vegetables seller, a bunch of elementary pupils, and even my mother's cousin.

Aaaarrggghhhh.. Why did they have to wake up this early? 

Where I just wanted to steal a second.  

Stealing one single second out of 86.400 seconds of their awareness is definitely not a sin.

Please understand!  

I just wanted to escort him leave with a warm kiss from my big mouth.  

This was a war.  

They were the one that supposed to be vanish or my pudency?!

I was silent, just staring at him.  

May he read the hatred in my eyes.

 I really hate to watch him leave.

huuuufff... I took a long breathe

without taking my eyes away from the back that I adore,

until he was completely invisible, and I ... I'm happy.  

He left his heart, put it on my hands

and he took my heart with him. 

Letting my heart beating in his chest, 

and therefore I am alive this morning.

July 4th, 2005