..his bloody sweet words..

40 minutes before lunch break...

*still have a bunch of works that need to be done.. in the meantime.. at the little corner of my brain.. he lives.. he's spinning round .. continuously playing back the story of me and him*

"If only I had an electra glide motorbike, I'll go right away to where you are now, I'll lend you my jacket so your back won't get cold and you can sleep soundly"

"Have you ever had an affair? Or do you always treat people this way? because.. frankly speaking, you make me feel flattered"

"I'm tired of hearing and seeing you crying because of him, you still couldn't take a clear decision, now tell me, do you actually want to be my girlfriend or not?"

"Sorry for I've just kissed your forehead"

"I have a feeling for you and it's huge!! And after we met.. it's getting bigger and bigger.. Now can you responsible for it?"

 

"There's nothing change, right?"

"My heart tore into pieces and left unhealed"

"You're physically ugly, but the thought of marrying you ever cross my mind, I open my heart, I empty my heart, I let you live in it, only you .. and that's a hell of a price, Yoshy!!!"

"I hate you.. I really hate you"

"I don't love you anymore"

"I was fooled by your soft and gentle voice, your wistful eyes.. Now I don't know the difference anymore.. whether you're telling me the truth or lie"

"I want to have you.. I don't know why.. but I still love you.. I really do"

"I love you with all your past"

"I want to have a different relationship now.. would you be my fiancee?"

"I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you, redeem all my stupid faults to you and would make you as the happiest wife on earth"

*and all of the rest million words he ever said to me with his innocent look and deceiving eyes.. keep repeating under my consciousness inside my silly brain.. it really is funny how he brilliantly manage to make me feel like I really am the only one for him.. & how he assures me that every word he said are believable.. the more I think about it, the more I realize how stupid I was for having faith in him.. when I'm not the only girl who fell for those words and believed in it. Talk really is cheap for him, huh? I guess I'm done buying those kind of bullcraps now. I got to remember that the sweetest lips tell the most painful lies"

xoxo

I loathe 'the mornings'

"I had to leave" he said goodbye..

smiled with one-eye winked mischievously at me..

For the first time I felt hatred.. 

loathe on everything surrounds me.

Including the paper boy, vegetables seller, a bunch of elementary pupils, and even my mother's cousin.

Aaaarrggghhhh.. Why did they have to wake up this early? 

Where I just wanted to steal a second.  

Stealing one single second out of 86.400 seconds of their awareness is definitely not a sin.

Please understand!  

I just wanted to escort him leave with a warm kiss from my big mouth.  

This was a war.  

They were the one that supposed to be vanish or my pudency?!

I was silent, just staring at him.  

May he read the hatred in my eyes.

 I really hate to watch him leave.

huuuufff... I took a long breathe

without taking my eyes away from the back that I adore,

until he was completely invisible, and I ... I'm happy.  

He left his heart, put it on my hands

and he took my heart with him. 

Letting my heart beating in his chest, 

and therefore I am alive this morning.

July 4th, 2005

a chubby princess?!

I can't use the nice words anymore,

because I used to chicken out by using them. 

I used to call myself plus size, 

used to call myself chubby. 

I used to call myself overweight.

- Star Jones -

I was born a dreamer, grew in a modest family with lovely parents and one big brother. And just like any other little girl, I dreamed of becoming a beautiful princess. Unfortunately the image of princesses I knew are white tall slim girls with blushing cheeks, plump lips, long wavy hair & bright shiny eyes. Oh wait a minute! That's so not ME! 

Mom told me how happy she was, when she gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl with weight 4,5kg (haha.. yup I am fat, corpulent, fleshy, chubby or-whatever-you-name-it since I was born).

I just knew right then, that my dream of becoming a pretty princess should never cross my mind ever again. 

Growing up with a bigger body than anybody else on my peer groups was never easy. Some were being nice by saying how cute it is to have big cheeks (yeh I remember when they happily pinched my cheeks), but others were pretty straightforward calling me "fatty", laughed when I was so bad on sport-class, mocked at the "XL" size logo on my clothes or even not letting me got in to the circle friends of what-so-called popular girls at school.

I am so used to hearing all those negative inputs about my body, and that's how I built my mind to think of myself as a shoddy figure, an unwanted person, someone who will never be good enough. 

And this even getting worse when I dated a guy, who complained a lot about my physical appearance : "your cheeks look like soup bowls", "I told you not to go out when the sun shines too bright, you see.. you look darker", "you look like rubber boat" and then he giggled. Well most of the times I took those words as jokes. But apparently those 'jokes' turned out to be the most honest thoughts he had of me. And that's been proved by several times I caught him cheated on me with white tall slim girls with blushing cheeks, plump lips, long wavy hair & bright shiny eyes (exactly.. those princess's figure!!!).

I spent quite long time hating the person I see in the mirror, how imperfect I am, how I hate the fact that life is much easier for girls with pretty-faces (it's shallow.. but hey reality check.. there's a million of shallow people living on earth haha even when you read this, I know you can already think of a shallow-person : someone from your work, your school, etc).

It took a long while to finally realize that it doesn't matter of what people think about me, doesn't really matter what they say about me. I suppose to know myself better than anyone does.

Yes I realize that I don't have a perfect body (it's also my fault because I hate to do sports *lol*), yes I am tan (how can I have light skin when both of my parents are tan?!), yes I don't have perfect teeth like those toothpaste's models, yes I have flat nose, chubby cheeks and rather big eyes. And so what?!

Put those things aside and you'll realize that there's a lot more to see in me! ^__^

I'm now come to the point where I realize that it's not important to be a princess that everyone adores, that everyone envies for her beauty, that could easily rob any prince's heart. 

I'm grateful for what I am and what I have. 

Remember "I think, therefore I am".. that's true.. you decide the way you think about yourself, then you will form your appearance and behavior as you thought.

1 thing that you all should know is that there's really nothing wrong with being "chubby", as long as you still healthy and happy with it (^_^)v

now why should I dream of becoming a drop dead beautiful princess, when I could be a queen in someone's eyes, who'll accept me flaws and all (someday)?!

xoxo

chubby princess