1st Love = 1st Heartbreak

No. This trick won't work. How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

- Albert Einstein -

"First love never dies" that's what most people said, well in my case, first love did DIE and it rests in peace. Well let me lead you to where it all began...

1st grade on senior high school, I was 15 and I just lost my beloved dad. The Almighty took him away from me, and it brought the biggest impact in my family. Mom stressed down for years, my big brother lived in another city 'til he finished his college, and me.. I was having trouble playing a double life.. I was forced to be a tough daughter who never showed my pain of losing my dad.. so that I could consoled and comforted  my emaciated 'dying' mother.. I never really had the time to grieve. I really didn't want my mom to see me breakdown. So I did my best to held my head up high and pull the nerves in my face to form a smile.. but on the inside, I was dying too.

Then this guy named "L.B" came to me, offering a lil attention that I really need at that time. We started talking via email on my senior high school's mailing list, the conversation grew more and more interesting (I remember our first topic was about capoeira). Then we decided to meet for real. He was an alumni of my school, 5 years older than me. He was tall, broad-shouldered and white (ow gosh.. apparently I always fall for white guys LOL) and he's chubby too, just like me ^_^

To had him in my life was like a miracle.. like he gave me a helping hand to push me further from my sadness.

We couldn't hide the fact that we're interested into each other, so after a few dates, he asked me to be his girlfriend, it was on 16th March 2003, and I said YES. He was working as a receptionist in an apartment and his side job was a computer instructor at my school (in case if you're wondering... yes I always have best scores on computer subject haha). We really had good times together at the beginning. What so great about him was.. he taught me a lot about computers, softwares, gadgets, internet..etc.. which is very good for me because I never get nervous on handling computers, I could fix some problems with computers, I could install some softwares by myself, and I never feel afraid to plug in or plug out computer's cables.. (you know.. some girls really don't know how to use computer beside chatting and facebook-ing and sorry to say.. some of them don't even know how to make email account or website).. well I'm not a computer geek, and not an expert too but at least I know the basic, and I thank him for teaching me this stuff.

He's a family guy too, it was really nice of him to introduced me to his family. I love his family, they were super nice, I hung out with his mom, sisters and cute niece pretty often. He made me feel welcome in his family. 

But of course nobody's perfect. He's not a romantic type who showered me with sugarcoated words.. he never held my hands when we walk together, yet he still gave me cute presents such as : flowers, a silver necklace & earrings, also a huge pig doll ^_^ and he introduced me to his bestfriends too, it made me feel like he's proud having me as his girl. 

He was my first kiss too, I was 16 at that time, and really had no idea how to kiss -LOL-, but he taught me well on this too. After that, I always laughed seeing my lips on the mirror. It was a weird mixing feeling I had : fun, passionate, sweet, don't-know-what-to-do-next kinda feeling ^_^ 

I thought everything went well. We dated for 2 years until I found out that he's been cheating on me with he's colleague from the apartment. We had a huge fight and took a break for 2 days and got back together again, I forgave him, since he promised me to not ever do that again. But you know.. getting back together with someone who betrayed your trust was like eating an expired food.. it tasted sucks! I became more and more suspicious, a lil over protective, always misgiving to what he did, where he was at and with whom he was.. until I found it AGAIN that yes he was still with her, he couldn't choose, he said he didn't want to break up with me but he couldn't leave her too because she's having a cervical cancer and he felt like he's responsible to take a good care of her and protect her (oh crap..!! what kind of reason was that??!!! should I be 'dying' or having a severe disease so I could beg him to never leave me too?! geez..).

He was my first love, the first man I ever loved truthfully. He's also the first man who broke my fragile heart. I was so down when I knew he shared his love with other woman (who's much older than me, more settled, slimmer, whiter and wiser). I remember when I cried on the floor of my living room, begging him to stay and choose me. My heart felt 10 times worse the pain than I felt when my puppy love moved to another city & left me (never knew that it could go even worse on the next guy)

But then.. I gave him some times to think and he chose me over her.. and I stupidly gave him another chance. Until he found out I was cheating (haha..) yeah.. it's not for a revenge.. it just happened. I lost the fire with him and found a new flame in another guy.. which leaded me to another big mistake I've done on the next chapter of my life.

Years have gone by.. after a terrible broke up with L.B, because I chose the new guy over him, we lost contacts. And somehow we started to communicate again through facebook on 2008 until today, but of course we both grown so much now and we moved on. He's someone's husband now, he's a dad too and so glad to know that he married a good woman (one of his bestfriend whom I also knew..) not that b***h from the apartment -LOL-. Glad to have the chance to talk with him again with clear minds and forgave each other for what happened in the past. He was my first love. And my love to him died peacefully a long time ago. But we finally manage to be good to each other. Should I call him "friend"?! I don't know.. For sure.. he is someone from my past.

xoxo

My Puppy Love

And they call it "puppy love"

Oh I guess they'll never know

How a young heart really feels

And why I love her so

I had my very 1st puppy love when I was 7 years old, yeah back in elementary school era, where boys really looked cute wearing tight trunks (LOL).

M.H & Y.J 1st day at school

First day at school, I noticed a really cute boy named "M.H". He was taller than me and definitely thinner. He has light skin (in fact he's the whitest boy at my class ^_^) and he has curly brown hair. He looked different than any other boy at my class, we even started  to call him "BULE" (Bule is a "name" that we use to call a western foreigner). Lucky me, I sat next to him on the very back of the class (haha). I don't know if he even remember this, but I do. He taught me to play imaginary race car during class ^_^

Until this very moment, I still remember his exciting face's expression when he was imitating the sound of a race car. 

We spent 6 years together at elementary school, I like him from the very 1st day and I have no idea when exactly he started to feel the same. Back at that time, love is a much simpler feeling : all I know was.. I was really happy to go to school to see him, to watched him play with other boys, to just sat next to him and heard his jokes, to played rounders or baseball with him during sport class (oh yeah.. I always wanted to be on his team.. and passed the ball only to him haha silly me).

The more we grew, the less we talked to each other. We didn't joke around like we used to when we were at 1st grade. The 'shy' feeling started to take control, but it didn't change the fact that I liked him a lot. Ahh.. I remember one time when we were on our way home from school, he shook my hand, our friends watched that moment and they stupidly cheered for us. My cheeks turned REDS..!!! At home I smiled for the next 24 hours, remembering that hand-shaking-without-talking-moment LOL.

M.H & Y.J : 6th grade

On 6th grade, we started to have the guts to talk to each other via home telephone, but of course at school we kept our mouth shut as always. We talked almost everyday on the phone after school, and after 6 years he finally said it to me that he liked me. So we're officially boyfriend and girlfriend (haha finally...). But we almost graduate from elementary school at that time, and I was really sad when he told me, his family would move to another city and he couldn't enter the same junior high school with me. It was my 1st cry over boys (haha never knew that this would happen a lot on my next chapters of life). We never actually said "goodbye" but we went seperately. 

Once in a while, he wrote me some letters and called me on the phone. He once surprisingly visited me, when I had a drama performance at junior high school. I was really happy to see him again, he walked me home, not much saying a word, but he gave me a very sweet letter, telling me how much he missed me since the last time he saw me.

M.H & Y.J become friends

Time goes by, I have no idea what actually happened but we're kinda lost contacts for few years, and next thing I knew.. we were already in senior high school and became someone else's lover. We started to talk on the phone again, when he knew that my dad passed away.  But this time we talked in a much wiser way ^_^.

Since then we keep communicating in a good way, and once in a while we held a gathering with our other elementary school classmates. It's really fun to hang out with him again, we changed a lot but I can still feel the 'shy' feeling somehow, maybe it's because we barely talk to each other face to face for the past years. But yeah we're working on it.. and we become friends.. very good friends.. ^_^

I still see M.H as a sweet innocent boy who gave me funny and sweet memories back in elementary school. And I really thank him for that, because we both can laugh about the silliest things we've done on our childhood. I thank him for the friendship we have now, though we still live in different cities, and I always wish and pray him the best in his carier & love (^_^)v

xoxo

ps : M.H ... you were my puppy love 

 

The Apems : Destya Adventyas

"A true friend is someone you can disagree with and still remain friends. For if not, they weren't true friends in the first place."
---Sandy Ratliff---

<3 Destya Adventyas <3

Waaaa I really have trouble remembering when and how did the first time I knew Destya. She just "there" haha with us.. And the moment she's there, we straightly call her "BOSS".. (honestly it really feels so strange to call her by her name.. we're so not use to it ^^). She got that name because:

1. She has a gangsta look (LOL), even a hoodlum will think twice to mess around with her (LOL). 

2. She's a leader-type, you know.. : very responsible, independent and really take care of us.

3. She has the guts to do almost anything ^^

4. She's cool and calm and really don't sweat the small stuffs.

Those things I mentioned above are also the things I admire the most about boss ^^


But as "The Boss" she also has a softy side, and this side appears when she's in love (haha). She could be really caring and lovable (LOL) and a lil emotional too (so strange to see a sentimental gangsta.. haha)

Her secret passion is to become a Trans Jakarta Bus Driver haha (really want to see her drive that bus). And she has natural talent on cutting hairs.. but only specialized on cutting bangs ^^


She may look ferocious but she's really friendly actually, and she has a lot of friends. One more thing that I admire from Boss is the fact that she loves adventure. A day with boss is always adventurous ^^


xoxo

The Apems : Gita Zuliyanti Pertiwi

"Friends are the most important part of your life. 

Treasure the tears, treasure the laughter, 

but most importantly, treasure the memories."

Dave Brenner

If you watch a movie about a group/gang of best friends, there's always one character who plays the role as the 'slowest' one yet the funniest one, who seems to have a total different way of thinking (like he/she has his/her own world of imagination), who laughs the hardest when she/he doesn't even get the joke, or even laugh the last ^^, who always try to give brilliantly silly ideas or solution to any problem -LOL-, who always be loved and taken good care by all other members of the group.

I am sooo lucky to know and be friend with this type of character. 

The Apems's days are never be so 'grey' since we have...

<3 Gita Zuliyanti Pertiwi <3

Me & Gita at Liza's house

Days with Gita are always fun. Everything she does and say always bring laughter to the people  surrounds her. She doesn't even try to look or act funny. She really is funny and so honest ^^. She has a bunch of silly stories that really happen to her (which you all could read on her blog http://gitazz.blogspot.com/) But one of those stories that really stuck in my mind and still crack my hardest laugh was the one with the pole on the bus. Ow gosh.. she came home from college pretty late (I don't know if it really is because she's too tired or she really need to get a new glasses LOL). She got on a full bus, standing and spontaneously reaching something to hold. She thought it was a pole (you know.. a thin long pole in a bus for you to hold when you have to stand in the bus?!) turned out she was holding a cardboard that belongs to the passenger who sat in front of her (LOL) and it took 1 minute to realize it wasn't a pole. And yup.. that passenger looked weirdly at her, wondering why is Gita holding her cardboard so tight?!!! ^_^

Or the one with "fairytale princess's beauty contest". One day Liza, Ola, Martini, Gita and Me were in 'Angkot No.25' (Angkot stands for Angkutan Kota. It's a small car that use as public transportation in Indonesia) on the way to Ola's house. We were pretty sleepy at that time and strangely nobody's talking (normally we talk all the time wherever we are). Gita broke the silence by asking "Eh Eh.. what would happen if Cinderella and Snow White enter a beauty pageant? Who do you think will win the contest?". When I heard the question. I thought it was like a guessing game, totally not a serious question. So I answered.. "mmm probably Snow White. Because Cinderella will change back to ordinary girl at midnight". And she said "Oh.. so it is.." while nodding her head.

...

..

. 

Liza, Ola, Tiny and I looked at her.. waiting for her next response. "That's it Git?! Is my guess right? Who's the winner?". She innocently answered "I don't know, that's why I ask you guys who's the winner" wahahahahahaaha..

That question happened to be 'a mystery in her live' that she really struggled to solve. hihi silly! 

Me & Gita at Karaoke Studio

And there's many more funny stories of her. 

From my point of view, Gita is a smart and diligent girl when it comes to academic things. She's pretty sporty too. But yeah on daily conversation, she's the one who always make us laugh by her funny ideas and experiences. That's why hanging out with her is always be such a good time.

She could be too worry too. And when she's mad, she really look like a lil girl ^_^

What I admire the most about her is her honesty and innocence.. and of course she could also give seriously wise advices too.. when it's needed ^_^

xoxo

The Apems : Liza Ayu Febriani

Friends are angels who lift our feet 

when our own wings have trouble remembering how to fly. 

-- Unknown Source --

<3 Liza Ayu Febriani <3

Me & Liza at Sushi Groove

Liza is a simple yet complicated person. Sometimes she seems like not taking problems seriously, when her friends come to her and tell her about their problem, she always manage to cheer them up with simple words such as "don't be too worry, everything's going to be just fine, don't think about it too hard ok!". And she barely has her finger in someone else's pie ^_^. But her mood swings could make her turn into a total different person. We often find her suddenly putting her sad face (almost cry), we know that something is troubling in her mind, but she says no word. Or suddenly she becomes so sensitive, she could unintentionally say harsh words to everyone. The key is just leave her alone for a while when she's in sensitive-zone ^_^

I don't know exactly when she becomes one of The Apems. Cause she's actually not a gang-type. She makes friends and hangs out with basically everybody in our class. She's a very cheerful girl (when she's not in sensitive-zone -LOL-). She laughs the hardest everytime someone cracks a joke. But be careful when she's laughing (no matter who tells the joke) she always raise her hand and give a hit/smack/lash to anyone who's peskily sitting next to her (trust me.. it hurts T__T). Rule No.1: If you want to tell a joke, make sure that you're not standing to close to Liza ^_^ protect your arms and thighs!!

@ Grand Indonesia Mall

Oh Liza done so many silly stuffs too. She's really expressive. Always use body language when she talks. Her lips.. owww GOD.. The Apems gave her the award as "sexiest lips No.2" (I'll tell you later who's the No.1 hihi). She could strangely trill and twitch her lips while talking, and it looks ridiculously funny! And her voice is annoyingly funny as hell when she sings. 

One thing I admire about Liza is that she's independent. She lives by herself. Do chores and take care of the house by herself (though it's messy most of the time haha) and she goes everywhere alone (which one of the thing I probably wouldn't do : going somewhere alone, except go to Uni and to work).

Having Liza in The Apems definitely brings new color ^__^

xoxo

The Apems : Julnadia Misla Aswandi

In my friend, I find a second self.
-- Isabel Norton --

<3 Julnadia Misla Aswandi <3

Me & Ola at Goethe Institut

On my 1st day at college (when I was busy gossiping with Martini about her friend from senior high school, who's also my neighbor) I noticed a tall slim girl with bizarre curly hair (haha seriously.. her curly hair looked so weird at that time) and she's damn white!! (still envy her skin until this very moment.. arrrggghhh.. hahaha). Her name is Julnadia Misla Aswandi. We call her "Ola". She was busy promoting beauty products from "Oriflame" at that time. And I don't know exactly how it started, but Martini, Ola & me ended up hanging out together pretty often. Maybe it's because we're heading home to the same direction, take the same public transportation. 

Ola is a smart girl. She could be very kind and very sarcastic at the same time -LOL- she's really straightforward, says what she has in mind, and most of the times her words are 'very sharp'. It's a good thing though.. because you know.. once man said "a good friend stabs you in the front" =D

@ Ragunan Zoo

She's very creative too on designs & writings, and honestly her creativity is pretty inspiring. One thing that I really like about her is that she always want to learn new  things : how to wear a modish 'Hijab', how to eat Sushi in a right way so you won't puke (haha--she even joins a Sushi-cooking-class), how to earn more coins on pet society (haha.. yeah she's an online gamer, who's assiduous enough to join game forum to find out how the game works and also to socialize with other gamers), how to run an online business, etc. She basically occupies her mind with new things & fresh ideas, and I learn pretty much from her. 

She has good sense of fashion and really creative on mix-and-match clothing. A modest smart and creative person who doesn't mind to share her knowledge, that's who she is. ^_^ But she does silly stuff too, she's the only one of The Apems who could touch her nose with her own tongue (wahahah really funny when she does this).

Having Ola in my circle of friends was a step closer to form The Apems (^_^)


xoxo

The Apems : Martini Eka Wahyuni

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. -- Bernard Meltzer

 To be frank, I never be 'the-popular-girl-at-school-type', who could make other students fall for her beauty and admire her appearance (everybody simply want to be her friends--cause your pride and prestige could raise in school social's life when you become friends with popular student), and who could easily steal everybody's attention. Nor 'the-fun-and-friendly-type', who could easily adapt to every new environment and take only 1 or 2 seconds to make new friends. I'm more like the-observer-type. Everytime I get in to new environment, I never talk much, I unconsciously put on my 'ignorant-face', and just taking some times to 'observe' new people surrounds me. (When I'm doing this.. people said that I look so arrogant & bitchy --LOL--). I kinda build an invisible wall surrounds me and wait for someone to climb it up and meet me on the other side to say "hi" to me. When I feel "click" with this person, I'm starting to take off layer after layer of my invisible wall and letting this person become a part of my world. This happened most of the times. And in college.. it was all started when Martini Eka Wahyuni tore down my wall by just asking "hey girl.. can I borrow your pen?" ^_^

<3 Martini Eka Wahyuni <3

Martini & Me at a wicker shop

She's my very 1st friend at college (we're studying German at Jakarta State University). From the moment she asked me to lend her a pen, I just knew that we could be such good friends. Our conversations grew easily. My other friends from college even thought that me and Martini already knew each other before entering the university. Cause we joke around a lot since the 1st day. Well it's because she's such a very fun and friendly kind of person. She's really open and make me feel comfy to hang out with her.

5 years has gone by & we still are friends ^_^.

Of course we had some fights too, a lil misunderstanding or a really bad mood could cause troubles between us. (yeh.. one of the things we have in common, we're moody & can be really sensitive + temperamental when we have bad moods) but of course, as best friends we always find a way to forgive each other. It's also because we're fair to each other, when we don't like something, we'll say it right away, we could be very sarcastic too, but after we let out the anger, we will leave the problem behind, consider it 'solved'. 

One thing that really irritates me sometimes, is when she mad. She will ignore the person who made her mad (haha.. really Tiny, I can't stand it when you're doing this LOL) act like that person didn't exist. But when it happens, I know just what to do : apologize & give her some time and space until her rage gone away, then she'll be fine again.. back to the fun and friendly Martini ^_^

@ Kelapa Gading Mall

She's my 'eating-partner' haha.. yeah we both love to eat so much, always play the role as 'trash bin' who 'responsible' to eat all the leftovers when our other best friends feel replete.. ;p and she's also my 'daydreaming-partner', we're fantasizing our future in a real funny way (marry a 'BULE' and live in Europe is one of the thing we fantasize -LOL-).

One thing I admire the most about her is, her kindness to the less fortunate people. She's helpful and generous. (still have in mind when she helped a blind man finding the right public transportation on a crowded terminal, and when she treat a beggar in college's cafeteria. Those are simple things that sadly happen quite seldom in Jakarta).

xoxo 

   

a passage of an obsolete story

Last night was not the first time, I heard someone laughing on my frankness.

Last night was not the first time, I saw someone closing one eye, covering one ear and a whole head, while my sooth was being pledged.

Last night was not the first time, for 'sincerity' losing its meaning.

Last night was not the first time, I felt sick seeing my heart breaks.. shapeless.

Last night was not the first time, I crawled to pick up pieces of my heart one by one and convince myself in every single piece I collect that I'm going to be just fine.

Last night was not the first time, I'm fed up of seeing my feelings, my love & my sincerity effetely hanging on his one finger.

Last night was not the first time, I wanted to scream and shout so damn loud.. until my nerves and pulse break ..!! 

Till all my blood --that does not contain any sanctity-- flow freely,

so he knows.. this is exactly how it feels.. 

BUT

Last night was the first time, I did not wail.

Last night was the first time, I did not feel a thing. I was too weary, he made me close to numb.

Last night was the first time, splinters of my heart said out loud "DROWN ME ALIVE OR I'LL BURN YOU TO DEATH..!!!"

Last night was the first time, I realized, how stubborn and haughty my stupid fragile heart was, as it whispered softly .. "I still love him so much with every broken pieces of me" ..  

11th of July, 2005