a passage of an obsolete story

Last night was not the first time, I heard someone laughing on my frankness.

Last night was not the first time, I saw someone closing one eye, covering one ear and a whole head, while my sooth was being pledged.

Last night was not the first time, for 'sincerity' losing its meaning.

Last night was not the first time, I felt sick seeing my heart breaks.. shapeless.

Last night was not the first time, I crawled to pick up pieces of my heart one by one and convince myself in every single piece I collect that I'm going to be just fine.

Last night was not the first time, I'm fed up of seeing my feelings, my love & my sincerity effetely hanging on his one finger.

Last night was not the first time, I wanted to scream and shout so damn loud.. until my nerves and pulse break ..!! 

Till all my blood --that does not contain any sanctity-- flow freely,

so he knows.. this is exactly how it feels.. 

BUT

Last night was the first time, I did not wail.

Last night was the first time, I did not feel a thing. I was too weary, he made me close to numb.

Last night was the first time, splinters of my heart said out loud "DROWN ME ALIVE OR I'LL BURN YOU TO DEATH..!!!"

Last night was the first time, I realized, how stubborn and haughty my stupid fragile heart was, as it whispered softly .. "I still love him so much with every broken pieces of me" ..  

11th of July, 2005