My Puppy Love

And they call it "puppy love"

Oh I guess they'll never know

How a young heart really feels

And why I love her so

I had my very 1st puppy love when I was 7 years old, yeah back in elementary school era, where boys really looked cute wearing tight trunks (LOL).

M.H & Y.J 1st day at school

First day at school, I noticed a really cute boy named "M.H". He was taller than me and definitely thinner. He has light skin (in fact he's the whitest boy at my class ^_^) and he has curly brown hair. He looked different than any other boy at my class, we even started  to call him "BULE" (Bule is a "name" that we use to call a western foreigner). Lucky me, I sat next to him on the very back of the class (haha). I don't know if he even remember this, but I do. He taught me to play imaginary race car during class ^_^

Until this very moment, I still remember his exciting face's expression when he was imitating the sound of a race car. 

We spent 6 years together at elementary school, I like him from the very 1st day and I have no idea when exactly he started to feel the same. Back at that time, love is a much simpler feeling : all I know was.. I was really happy to go to school to see him, to watched him play with other boys, to just sat next to him and heard his jokes, to played rounders or baseball with him during sport class (oh yeah.. I always wanted to be on his team.. and passed the ball only to him haha silly me).

The more we grew, the less we talked to each other. We didn't joke around like we used to when we were at 1st grade. The 'shy' feeling started to take control, but it didn't change the fact that I liked him a lot. Ahh.. I remember one time when we were on our way home from school, he shook my hand, our friends watched that moment and they stupidly cheered for us. My cheeks turned REDS..!!! At home I smiled for the next 24 hours, remembering that hand-shaking-without-talking-moment LOL.

M.H & Y.J : 6th grade

On 6th grade, we started to have the guts to talk to each other via home telephone, but of course at school we kept our mouth shut as always. We talked almost everyday on the phone after school, and after 6 years he finally said it to me that he liked me. So we're officially boyfriend and girlfriend (haha finally...). But we almost graduate from elementary school at that time, and I was really sad when he told me, his family would move to another city and he couldn't enter the same junior high school with me. It was my 1st cry over boys (haha never knew that this would happen a lot on my next chapters of life). We never actually said "goodbye" but we went seperately. 

Once in a while, he wrote me some letters and called me on the phone. He once surprisingly visited me, when I had a drama performance at junior high school. I was really happy to see him again, he walked me home, not much saying a word, but he gave me a very sweet letter, telling me how much he missed me since the last time he saw me.

M.H & Y.J become friends

Time goes by, I have no idea what actually happened but we're kinda lost contacts for few years, and next thing I knew.. we were already in senior high school and became someone else's lover. We started to talk on the phone again, when he knew that my dad passed away.  But this time we talked in a much wiser way ^_^.

Since then we keep communicating in a good way, and once in a while we held a gathering with our other elementary school classmates. It's really fun to hang out with him again, we changed a lot but I can still feel the 'shy' feeling somehow, maybe it's because we barely talk to each other face to face for the past years. But yeah we're working on it.. and we become friends.. very good friends.. ^_^

I still see M.H as a sweet innocent boy who gave me funny and sweet memories back in elementary school. And I really thank him for that, because we both can laugh about the silliest things we've done on our childhood. I thank him for the friendship we have now, though we still live in different cities, and I always wish and pray him the best in his carier & love (^_^)v

xoxo

ps : M.H ... you were my puppy love 

 

The Apems : Destya Adventyas

"A true friend is someone you can disagree with and still remain friends. For if not, they weren't true friends in the first place."
---Sandy Ratliff---

<3 Destya Adventyas <3

Waaaa I really have trouble remembering when and how did the first time I knew Destya. She just "there" haha with us.. And the moment she's there, we straightly call her "BOSS".. (honestly it really feels so strange to call her by her name.. we're so not use to it ^^). She got that name because:

1. She has a gangsta look (LOL), even a hoodlum will think twice to mess around with her (LOL). 

2. She's a leader-type, you know.. : very responsible, independent and really take care of us.

3. She has the guts to do almost anything ^^

4. She's cool and calm and really don't sweat the small stuffs.

Those things I mentioned above are also the things I admire the most about boss ^^


But as "The Boss" she also has a softy side, and this side appears when she's in love (haha). She could be really caring and lovable (LOL) and a lil emotional too (so strange to see a sentimental gangsta.. haha)

Her secret passion is to become a Trans Jakarta Bus Driver haha (really want to see her drive that bus). And she has natural talent on cutting hairs.. but only specialized on cutting bangs ^^


She may look ferocious but she's really friendly actually, and she has a lot of friends. One more thing that I admire from Boss is the fact that she loves adventure. A day with boss is always adventurous ^^


xoxo

The Apems : Gita Zuliyanti Pertiwi

"Friends are the most important part of your life. 

Treasure the tears, treasure the laughter, 

but most importantly, treasure the memories."

Dave Brenner

If you watch a movie about a group/gang of best friends, there's always one character who plays the role as the 'slowest' one yet the funniest one, who seems to have a total different way of thinking (like he/she has his/her own world of imagination), who laughs the hardest when she/he doesn't even get the joke, or even laugh the last ^^, who always try to give brilliantly silly ideas or solution to any problem -LOL-, who always be loved and taken good care by all other members of the group.

I am sooo lucky to know and be friend with this type of character. 

The Apems's days are never be so 'grey' since we have...

<3 Gita Zuliyanti Pertiwi <3

Me & Gita at Liza's house

Days with Gita are always fun. Everything she does and say always bring laughter to the people  surrounds her. She doesn't even try to look or act funny. She really is funny and so honest ^^. She has a bunch of silly stories that really happen to her (which you all could read on her blog http://gitazz.blogspot.com/) But one of those stories that really stuck in my mind and still crack my hardest laugh was the one with the pole on the bus. Ow gosh.. she came home from college pretty late (I don't know if it really is because she's too tired or she really need to get a new glasses LOL). She got on a full bus, standing and spontaneously reaching something to hold. She thought it was a pole (you know.. a thin long pole in a bus for you to hold when you have to stand in the bus?!) turned out she was holding a cardboard that belongs to the passenger who sat in front of her (LOL) and it took 1 minute to realize it wasn't a pole. And yup.. that passenger looked weirdly at her, wondering why is Gita holding her cardboard so tight?!!! ^_^

Or the one with "fairytale princess's beauty contest". One day Liza, Ola, Martini, Gita and Me were in 'Angkot No.25' (Angkot stands for Angkutan Kota. It's a small car that use as public transportation in Indonesia) on the way to Ola's house. We were pretty sleepy at that time and strangely nobody's talking (normally we talk all the time wherever we are). Gita broke the silence by asking "Eh Eh.. what would happen if Cinderella and Snow White enter a beauty pageant? Who do you think will win the contest?". When I heard the question. I thought it was like a guessing game, totally not a serious question. So I answered.. "mmm probably Snow White. Because Cinderella will change back to ordinary girl at midnight". And she said "Oh.. so it is.." while nodding her head.

...

..

. 

Liza, Ola, Tiny and I looked at her.. waiting for her next response. "That's it Git?! Is my guess right? Who's the winner?". She innocently answered "I don't know, that's why I ask you guys who's the winner" wahahahahahaaha..

That question happened to be 'a mystery in her live' that she really struggled to solve. hihi silly! 

Me & Gita at Karaoke Studio

And there's many more funny stories of her. 

From my point of view, Gita is a smart and diligent girl when it comes to academic things. She's pretty sporty too. But yeah on daily conversation, she's the one who always make us laugh by her funny ideas and experiences. That's why hanging out with her is always be such a good time.

She could be too worry too. And when she's mad, she really look like a lil girl ^_^

What I admire the most about her is her honesty and innocence.. and of course she could also give seriously wise advices too.. when it's needed ^_^

xoxo

The Apems : Liza Ayu Febriani

Friends are angels who lift our feet 

when our own wings have trouble remembering how to fly. 

-- Unknown Source --

<3 Liza Ayu Febriani <3

Me & Liza at Sushi Groove

Liza is a simple yet complicated person. Sometimes she seems like not taking problems seriously, when her friends come to her and tell her about their problem, she always manage to cheer them up with simple words such as "don't be too worry, everything's going to be just fine, don't think about it too hard ok!". And she barely has her finger in someone else's pie ^_^. But her mood swings could make her turn into a total different person. We often find her suddenly putting her sad face (almost cry), we know that something is troubling in her mind, but she says no word. Or suddenly she becomes so sensitive, she could unintentionally say harsh words to everyone. The key is just leave her alone for a while when she's in sensitive-zone ^_^

I don't know exactly when she becomes one of The Apems. Cause she's actually not a gang-type. She makes friends and hangs out with basically everybody in our class. She's a very cheerful girl (when she's not in sensitive-zone -LOL-). She laughs the hardest everytime someone cracks a joke. But be careful when she's laughing (no matter who tells the joke) she always raise her hand and give a hit/smack/lash to anyone who's peskily sitting next to her (trust me.. it hurts T__T). Rule No.1: If you want to tell a joke, make sure that you're not standing to close to Liza ^_^ protect your arms and thighs!!

@ Grand Indonesia Mall

Oh Liza done so many silly stuffs too. She's really expressive. Always use body language when she talks. Her lips.. owww GOD.. The Apems gave her the award as "sexiest lips No.2" (I'll tell you later who's the No.1 hihi). She could strangely trill and twitch her lips while talking, and it looks ridiculously funny! And her voice is annoyingly funny as hell when she sings. 

One thing I admire about Liza is that she's independent. She lives by herself. Do chores and take care of the house by herself (though it's messy most of the time haha) and she goes everywhere alone (which one of the thing I probably wouldn't do : going somewhere alone, except go to Uni and to work).

Having Liza in The Apems definitely brings new color ^__^

xoxo

The Apems : Julnadia Misla Aswandi

In my friend, I find a second self.
-- Isabel Norton --

<3 Julnadia Misla Aswandi <3

Me & Ola at Goethe Institut

On my 1st day at college (when I was busy gossiping with Martini about her friend from senior high school, who's also my neighbor) I noticed a tall slim girl with bizarre curly hair (haha seriously.. her curly hair looked so weird at that time) and she's damn white!! (still envy her skin until this very moment.. arrrggghhh.. hahaha). Her name is Julnadia Misla Aswandi. We call her "Ola". She was busy promoting beauty products from "Oriflame" at that time. And I don't know exactly how it started, but Martini, Ola & me ended up hanging out together pretty often. Maybe it's because we're heading home to the same direction, take the same public transportation. 

Ola is a smart girl. She could be very kind and very sarcastic at the same time -LOL- she's really straightforward, says what she has in mind, and most of the times her words are 'very sharp'. It's a good thing though.. because you know.. once man said "a good friend stabs you in the front" =D

@ Ragunan Zoo

She's very creative too on designs & writings, and honestly her creativity is pretty inspiring. One thing that I really like about her is that she always want to learn new  things : how to wear a modish 'Hijab', how to eat Sushi in a right way so you won't puke (haha--she even joins a Sushi-cooking-class), how to earn more coins on pet society (haha.. yeah she's an online gamer, who's assiduous enough to join game forum to find out how the game works and also to socialize with other gamers), how to run an online business, etc. She basically occupies her mind with new things & fresh ideas, and I learn pretty much from her. 

She has good sense of fashion and really creative on mix-and-match clothing. A modest smart and creative person who doesn't mind to share her knowledge, that's who she is. ^_^ But she does silly stuff too, she's the only one of The Apems who could touch her nose with her own tongue (wahahah really funny when she does this).

Having Ola in my circle of friends was a step closer to form The Apems (^_^)


xoxo

The Apems : Martini Eka Wahyuni

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. -- Bernard Meltzer

 To be frank, I never be 'the-popular-girl-at-school-type', who could make other students fall for her beauty and admire her appearance (everybody simply want to be her friends--cause your pride and prestige could raise in school social's life when you become friends with popular student), and who could easily steal everybody's attention. Nor 'the-fun-and-friendly-type', who could easily adapt to every new environment and take only 1 or 2 seconds to make new friends. I'm more like the-observer-type. Everytime I get in to new environment, I never talk much, I unconsciously put on my 'ignorant-face', and just taking some times to 'observe' new people surrounds me. (When I'm doing this.. people said that I look so arrogant & bitchy --LOL--). I kinda build an invisible wall surrounds me and wait for someone to climb it up and meet me on the other side to say "hi" to me. When I feel "click" with this person, I'm starting to take off layer after layer of my invisible wall and letting this person become a part of my world. This happened most of the times. And in college.. it was all started when Martini Eka Wahyuni tore down my wall by just asking "hey girl.. can I borrow your pen?" ^_^

<3 Martini Eka Wahyuni <3

Martini & Me at a wicker shop

She's my very 1st friend at college (we're studying German at Jakarta State University). From the moment she asked me to lend her a pen, I just knew that we could be such good friends. Our conversations grew easily. My other friends from college even thought that me and Martini already knew each other before entering the university. Cause we joke around a lot since the 1st day. Well it's because she's such a very fun and friendly kind of person. She's really open and make me feel comfy to hang out with her.

5 years has gone by & we still are friends ^_^.

Of course we had some fights too, a lil misunderstanding or a really bad mood could cause troubles between us. (yeh.. one of the things we have in common, we're moody & can be really sensitive + temperamental when we have bad moods) but of course, as best friends we always find a way to forgive each other. It's also because we're fair to each other, when we don't like something, we'll say it right away, we could be very sarcastic too, but after we let out the anger, we will leave the problem behind, consider it 'solved'. 

One thing that really irritates me sometimes, is when she mad. She will ignore the person who made her mad (haha.. really Tiny, I can't stand it when you're doing this LOL) act like that person didn't exist. But when it happens, I know just what to do : apologize & give her some time and space until her rage gone away, then she'll be fine again.. back to the fun and friendly Martini ^_^

@ Kelapa Gading Mall

She's my 'eating-partner' haha.. yeah we both love to eat so much, always play the role as 'trash bin' who 'responsible' to eat all the leftovers when our other best friends feel replete.. ;p and she's also my 'daydreaming-partner', we're fantasizing our future in a real funny way (marry a 'BULE' and live in Europe is one of the thing we fantasize -LOL-).

One thing I admire the most about her is, her kindness to the less fortunate people. She's helpful and generous. (still have in mind when she helped a blind man finding the right public transportation on a crowded terminal, and when she treat a beggar in college's cafeteria. Those are simple things that sadly happen quite seldom in Jakarta).

xoxo 

   

a passage of an obsolete story

Last night was not the first time, I heard someone laughing on my frankness.

Last night was not the first time, I saw someone closing one eye, covering one ear and a whole head, while my sooth was being pledged.

Last night was not the first time, for 'sincerity' losing its meaning.

Last night was not the first time, I felt sick seeing my heart breaks.. shapeless.

Last night was not the first time, I crawled to pick up pieces of my heart one by one and convince myself in every single piece I collect that I'm going to be just fine.

Last night was not the first time, I'm fed up of seeing my feelings, my love & my sincerity effetely hanging on his one finger.

Last night was not the first time, I wanted to scream and shout so damn loud.. until my nerves and pulse break ..!! 

Till all my blood --that does not contain any sanctity-- flow freely,

so he knows.. this is exactly how it feels.. 

BUT

Last night was the first time, I did not wail.

Last night was the first time, I did not feel a thing. I was too weary, he made me close to numb.

Last night was the first time, splinters of my heart said out loud "DROWN ME ALIVE OR I'LL BURN YOU TO DEATH..!!!"

Last night was the first time, I realized, how stubborn and haughty my stupid fragile heart was, as it whispered softly .. "I still love him so much with every broken pieces of me" ..  

11th of July, 2005

..his bloody sweet words..

40 minutes before lunch break...

*still have a bunch of works that need to be done.. in the meantime.. at the little corner of my brain.. he lives.. he's spinning round .. continuously playing back the story of me and him*

"If only I had an electra glide motorbike, I'll go right away to where you are now, I'll lend you my jacket so your back won't get cold and you can sleep soundly"

"Have you ever had an affair? Or do you always treat people this way? because.. frankly speaking, you make me feel flattered"

"I'm tired of hearing and seeing you crying because of him, you still couldn't take a clear decision, now tell me, do you actually want to be my girlfriend or not?"

"Sorry for I've just kissed your forehead"

"I have a feeling for you and it's huge!! And after we met.. it's getting bigger and bigger.. Now can you responsible for it?"

 

"There's nothing change, right?"

"My heart tore into pieces and left unhealed"

"You're physically ugly, but the thought of marrying you ever cross my mind, I open my heart, I empty my heart, I let you live in it, only you .. and that's a hell of a price, Yoshy!!!"

"I hate you.. I really hate you"

"I don't love you anymore"

"I was fooled by your soft and gentle voice, your wistful eyes.. Now I don't know the difference anymore.. whether you're telling me the truth or lie"

"I want to have you.. I don't know why.. but I still love you.. I really do"

"I love you with all your past"

"I want to have a different relationship now.. would you be my fiancee?"

"I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you, redeem all my stupid faults to you and would make you as the happiest wife on earth"

*and all of the rest million words he ever said to me with his innocent look and deceiving eyes.. keep repeating under my consciousness inside my silly brain.. it really is funny how he brilliantly manage to make me feel like I really am the only one for him.. & how he assures me that every word he said are believable.. the more I think about it, the more I realize how stupid I was for having faith in him.. when I'm not the only girl who fell for those words and believed in it. Talk really is cheap for him, huh? I guess I'm done buying those kind of bullcraps now. I got to remember that the sweetest lips tell the most painful lies"

xoxo

I loathe 'the mornings'

"I had to leave" he said goodbye..

smiled with one-eye winked mischievously at me..

For the first time I felt hatred.. 

loathe on everything surrounds me.

Including the paper boy, vegetables seller, a bunch of elementary pupils, and even my mother's cousin.

Aaaarrggghhhh.. Why did they have to wake up this early? 

Where I just wanted to steal a second.  

Stealing one single second out of 86.400 seconds of their awareness is definitely not a sin.

Please understand!  

I just wanted to escort him leave with a warm kiss from my big mouth.  

This was a war.  

They were the one that supposed to be vanish or my pudency?!

I was silent, just staring at him.  

May he read the hatred in my eyes.

 I really hate to watch him leave.

huuuufff... I took a long breathe

without taking my eyes away from the back that I adore,

until he was completely invisible, and I ... I'm happy.  

He left his heart, put it on my hands

and he took my heart with him. 

Letting my heart beating in his chest, 

and therefore I am alive this morning.

July 4th, 2005

a chubby princess?!

I can't use the nice words anymore,

because I used to chicken out by using them. 

I used to call myself plus size, 

used to call myself chubby. 

I used to call myself overweight.

- Star Jones -

I was born a dreamer, grew in a modest family with lovely parents and one big brother. And just like any other little girl, I dreamed of becoming a beautiful princess. Unfortunately the image of princesses I knew are white tall slim girls with blushing cheeks, plump lips, long wavy hair & bright shiny eyes. Oh wait a minute! That's so not ME! 

Mom told me how happy she was, when she gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl with weight 4,5kg (haha.. yup I am fat, corpulent, fleshy, chubby or-whatever-you-name-it since I was born).

I just knew right then, that my dream of becoming a pretty princess should never cross my mind ever again. 

Growing up with a bigger body than anybody else on my peer groups was never easy. Some were being nice by saying how cute it is to have big cheeks (yeh I remember when they happily pinched my cheeks), but others were pretty straightforward calling me "fatty", laughed when I was so bad on sport-class, mocked at the "XL" size logo on my clothes or even not letting me got in to the circle friends of what-so-called popular girls at school.

I am so used to hearing all those negative inputs about my body, and that's how I built my mind to think of myself as a shoddy figure, an unwanted person, someone who will never be good enough. 

And this even getting worse when I dated a guy, who complained a lot about my physical appearance : "your cheeks look like soup bowls", "I told you not to go out when the sun shines too bright, you see.. you look darker", "you look like rubber boat" and then he giggled. Well most of the times I took those words as jokes. But apparently those 'jokes' turned out to be the most honest thoughts he had of me. And that's been proved by several times I caught him cheated on me with white tall slim girls with blushing cheeks, plump lips, long wavy hair & bright shiny eyes (exactly.. those princess's figure!!!).

I spent quite long time hating the person I see in the mirror, how imperfect I am, how I hate the fact that life is much easier for girls with pretty-faces (it's shallow.. but hey reality check.. there's a million of shallow people living on earth haha even when you read this, I know you can already think of a shallow-person : someone from your work, your school, etc).

It took a long while to finally realize that it doesn't matter of what people think about me, doesn't really matter what they say about me. I suppose to know myself better than anyone does.

Yes I realize that I don't have a perfect body (it's also my fault because I hate to do sports *lol*), yes I am tan (how can I have light skin when both of my parents are tan?!), yes I don't have perfect teeth like those toothpaste's models, yes I have flat nose, chubby cheeks and rather big eyes. And so what?!

Put those things aside and you'll realize that there's a lot more to see in me! ^__^

I'm now come to the point where I realize that it's not important to be a princess that everyone adores, that everyone envies for her beauty, that could easily rob any prince's heart. 

I'm grateful for what I am and what I have. 

Remember "I think, therefore I am".. that's true.. you decide the way you think about yourself, then you will form your appearance and behavior as you thought.

1 thing that you all should know is that there's really nothing wrong with being "chubby", as long as you still healthy and happy with it (^_^)v

now why should I dream of becoming a drop dead beautiful princess, when I could be a queen in someone's eyes, who'll accept me flaws and all (someday)?!

xoxo

chubby princess